the lost side of me

The 4th of July

2006-07-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

Oh my God! it has been such a long time since i have updated my blog. Since it's a boring day here at work then I might as well do something that would keep me from falling asleep. Anyway , there has been a lot of things that happened during the past 7 months. i quit school... yes, i did. I purposely dropped all my subjects since im still waiting for the approval of my immigrant visa. I've landed myself a job as a travel specialist over all i have met and bonded with some new friends and an old one if i might add which i know who will be there for me whenever i need them. And for the past month i have fallen in love again with the most wonderful person i have ever met all my life.

Anyway let's start from the very beginning on what happened to me for the past 6 months....

JANUARY

i met someone (well actually i met her last year but we weren't really close then, it was just a simple acquaintance). who has been my fag hag ever since. heheh Her name is Anna Marie but in reality her name is Richard Allen, who is now one of my bestest friends. This month was the start of my internship and it is really stressful... however it was fun.

FEBRUARY

the love month, as usual i had no one to share it with except myself, however it was not that bad... me and anna were celebrating her birthday together, with our nursing uniforms still intact, and anna got herself drunk... TOO DRUNK if i might add. hehehehe

MARCH

this was the month that i decided to quit school, not to mention i started to miss all my classes 2 weeks before the final exams. (stupid decision huh) on the bright side though i didnt have to pay the 5,000 pesos+ since i purposely failed my health care subj because it was too tiring to go on extension duties, but i have decided to go back to school soon, but not soon enough. on the same month anna met this sorta kinda lika parang medyong may pagka cute deutch guy named Jacques, who we thought was gay. and right then and there they got each other's number and started going out 2 or 3 weeks later. this was also the month that i started to look for a job. i was able to apply in convergys but unfortunately failed the final interview. and on the same day i failed my interview i got a call from peoplesupport and right then and there i was interviewed, after that phone call i was scheduled for an exam together with my better fag hag half anna.

APRIL

the month when i turned 19. hehehe and this was also the month that i got into a fight with my ex-friend Francis, since he was too IMMATURE to accept criticisms. its not just me who got into an arguement so is the rest of his friends. that's what you get for being an immature individual who cannot accept the truth about his attitude.... ANYWAY, moving on. this was the month i got hired in peoplesupport. it was a long wait but it was worth it. i waited for 3 weeks after my exam to take my final interview, and look where my patience got me... it landed me a JOB.

MAY

the month that i started working for peoplsupport. i met a lot of new and exciting people in this company, not to mentioin our huggable trainer Dia Ayate. She is the best trainer for the travel agency that i am working for right now. i gained new friends namely Ma. Anna Karenina Bacayo, Philamae Andaya, Cathy Escober, Helen delos Santos, Raech dela Cruz, Rohany Famador, Carlo Cañete, Honey Fe Bacus, Rita Florence Borja, Candie del Rosario, Tiny Anusuria, and my greatest competitor in the batch Sheila Lou Ceballos . this was also the same month that i met Everett. the person who made my heart beat again after a long year... unfortunately our story was cut short because he left for the states to be with his family. :'(

JUNE

the month that i started to take calls from lousy american people, this was also the month when Everett came back to cebu and we continued from where we left off. This was also the month that i fell in love with him. He is the only guy that has ever given me a bouquet of flowers a stuffed toy named ashley and even more... no wonder i fell in love with him. he is the sweetest guy i have ever known who cares a lot about me..

so far the year has been great! i would'nt want it any other way...

expect to hear from me soon! The Hell Slayer is BACK!

Joshua Rae "Mikhail" Calingasan
Operations - Travel Specialist
Peoplesupport.inc
2nd Floor Skyrise Bldg. Asia Town I.T. Park
6000 Apas Lahug Cebu City Philippines
Email: jcalingasan@peoplesupport.com

A CHRISTMAS DISASTER, but yet....

2005-12-24T20:37:00.000-08:00

christmas has always been the most joyous time of the year..... but, sadly i never felt the spirit of chrismas this year... i really dont know why, hmmm.. maybe because the fact that i am getting older is already out to get me, my mom always nagging about my brother getting married and that she wants to get back with my dad, my friend that called me on christmas eve crying her eyes out because her ex-boyfriend which she never had a chance to settle past conflicts with is already getting married... man! give me a break, hey its supposed to be christmas everybody should be happy... there is also one thing that bothers me, i really dont know if i could also settle things with my ex marq. i really dont want to end my year with any unresolved conflicts... i dont know why he's still so bitter? i mean i did my part. i apologized as often as i could but it seems my efforts were worthless. yet, still i wont let that ruin my christmas spirit even if i dont have one. hehehehe. so i just hope that everyone is happy with their christmas and that they are still enjoying this season even if its soaking wet outside. by the way, i really had fun last tuesday.. hehehe i was able to score points with an american guy...

ooooooooooopppppppppppppssssssssssssss

sorry kids this part is censored! hehehehe just kidding. :P

MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL

AND HAVE A

BLESSED NEW YEAR!!!!

A DAY THAT WILL GO DOWN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND... HEHEHEH

2005-12-17T22:08:00.000-08:00

FRIDAY (December 16, 2005)

today is my brother's special day, all we ever wanted was for him to find the perfect woman that he would spend the rest of his life with, and he did. he is finally getting married!!! because of this event, for the first time in 18 years me and my family were finally complete. my dad flew all the way from manila to be at the wedding and my other brother came all the way from cagayan to witness it as well. it was so great, at least for the smallest period of time i was able to call our dysfunctional family a real family. my mom and dad has been separated for as long as i remember, and i grew up hating my dad to my very last bone. i only met my dad when i was 13 years, by that time i also met my other brother. it was really hard for me not knowing a father and as well as a brother. but its a good thing that my eldest brother stood up, and acted as my father figure. i'm really happy to know that he already found the woman of his dreams.

so anyway, the ceremony started around 7-ish. the traditional wedding march occured, i was my brother's best man. (i was hoping to be the maid of honor) hehehehe just kidding, so anyway as my brother reached the altar, he gave mum and dad a hug and then bursted into tears. man! i almost cried!!! but sorry i dont feel like it. and blah blah blah blah, you know what happens after the wedding march right? so just figure it out. heheheh so after that the reception came and i was the one assigned to formally open it. so i sang a song entitled "ikaw" and then afterterwards my brother (the one from cagayan) also gave a song number. then after that everybody had dinner, gave speeches to the bride and groom, the slicing of the cake, the distribution of giveaways. you know the usual wedding stuff.. and as a finale i gave another song and my dad joined me, and then later my brothers joined me in singing the song. man i guess that was the best moment of my life. knowing that my family was complete even just for a small period of time, i was really happy that night. and i know that my brothers, my mum and my dad was also happy as well.

A GREAT WEEK

2005-12-03T22:08:00.001-08:00

and so it began,

SUNDAY
it was a really boring day, i just came from church and everything seemed so lonely. so i decided to chat around 4-ish and i bumped into someone who is really great. i really enjoyed talking to him, you know the type of guy who you could just talk to about everything. we stopped chatting around 9-ish it was really great. we exchanged numbers and started to text each other that night, and we decided to meet up the next day.

MONDAY
classes were suspended because of bonifacio day, i woke up around 11 am and ate my brunch, a little later after that i took a bath and then took off. i went to ayala bumped into some friends and finally met up with miguel. then from ayala we went to marina mall in mactan, had coffee and a really great conversation. then after that we went to the seashore and watched the sunset together, it was really great. then after that he dropped me off at the office cause i had work to do, and the sweetest thing is that he gave me a kiss before i got off the car, it was really sweet. it was definately the best date that i have ever had.

TUESDAY
school resumed and it was really boring and tiring at the same time, eversince i got my job it seems like school is not really an option for me but, as they say that education is the only thing that our parents could inherit to us when they leave this earth. but nevertheless it was fun to see all my classmates again after being absent fo 3 days. hehehehe

WEDNESDAY
i woke up around 6:30 and my class was goin to start around 7, man i was in a fucking rush! i brushed my teeth and took a bath the same time. and instead of taking the usual jeepney, i immediately took a cab, its a good thing that i was only 5 minutes late, so it was no biggie. it was also really tiring cause we had to do a return demonstration on bedmaking and i screwed up big time. but anyway ill try my best to catch up next week. andn then after my classes ended me and miguel met up and ate dinner at roma mia and then after that we strolled around the city and then to mandaue, and then to mactan. it was quite an adventure cause we were tracing the roads in mactan and got lost but we eventually found our way out. hehehe after that we parked at the reclamation area and stargazed until the night was finished. then he dropped me off at home.

THURSDAY
B-O-R-I-N-G!!!! that pretty much spells my thursday but there was a big twist we were goin to surprise our classmate who was goin to celebrate here birthday on friday. so after class my usual groupies, 2 straight guys and me the gay one decided that we were not gonna sleep that day cause we were meeting our friends around 3 am so what we did was what every guy does, we let the time fly by drinking and playing cards as well as getting to know each other better by telling stories of our usual heart breaks and stuff. heheheh

FRIDAY
it was 2:30 in the morning and our friends were already texting us that we should go, so we rushed things up, first off we had coffee to wash down the alcohol that we just drank earlier and then there was not enough time so we decided to take a shower together it was really hillarious. damn! so after that we got dressed and went to meet our classmates. we individually fetched them cause 2 of them were already having a major BAYOT symdrome, they almost bailed out on us but its a good thing we got to them,so around 4 we all met up at mcdonalds jones and rode 2 jeepneys to lapulapu city, damn i was really sleepy. so we arrived and the surprise began. hehehe after that we went to school without any sleep! i had p.e. class that day, i usually dont enter p.e class but i had to show up this time cause i havent been showing up for the p[ast 3 weeks .. heheh it was plain booring cause we were just painting the whole time. after that me and my classmates had lunch and i immediately went to usc-tc cause i had some work to do with my networking and stuff. so i was really stressed out!!! we were supposed to go back at our friends house for her birthday dinner but i bailed cause my eyes were litterally falling down, so i got home around 4 and the first thing i did was sleep. i woke up around 8 and had my dinner and then went back to sleep.

SATURDAY
when i woke up, i realized that my wallet was already in my closet, i usually leave my wallet in my pants, and then i found out that the money that i had there was gone and there was only one person that could've stolen my money, so i went downstairs and gave her a piece of my mind. i was about to beat the crap out of her but i cant cause my grandmother was there. my other grandma was arriving that day so i decided to tag along and fetch her cause i dont have any money, because my cousin stole all of it. so we were off to the airport fetched my grandma and i asked for money, we had lunch around 3 and then i took off. i went to ayala after that. played some video games and i was also cruising around for hot boys! heheheh after that i went to the office conducted a seminar and then after miguel picked me up around 9. we had dinner at dimsum break in btc and then his friend texted because he met up with a guy which he obviously didnt like. so we decided to pick his friend up at ayala then much to my surprise, he opened the car and i found out that his friend was my ex bf DEAN!!! i was fucking shocked it goes to show that the world is really small! i later found out that miguel was phillip's (dean's ex bf) bestfriend. and i could only imagine that i was the one that broke up dean and phillip. damn the world is so small and you wouldnt really know who you would bump into. so anyway after ayala we went to 22nd st. only to find out that it was full, so we decided to head to mango square had a few drinks... well i actually i had few drinks they just drank 1 bottle each, i finished about 3 bottles of red horse. eheheh after that dean was meeting up with this guy bong, so me and miguel decided to go to 22nd st. it wasnt that crowded anymore so we got in, and then had another round of beer. heheh i decided to sing on stage and one of my friends from highschool messaged me that she was there, she saw me when i was on stage, i was about to sing when i got her message. i sang 2 songs crazy for you and rainbow. after that i talked to my friend and then miguel texted me that he was downstairs so i decided to go. we were driving along the streets of cebu and made a stop in mandaue to make out. after that he drove me home, i was really tired and i told him if we could stop at a convenience store so that i could fetch some ice tea,i fell asleep and i didnt know that we were already at the convenience store, he didnt wake me up he just got off and got me the iced tea that i was supposed to buy, it was really sweet. :) he dropped me off at netx cause i couldnt get it the house cause no one would open the door for me. so i was just at netx playing my usual game (diablo) and then it was already 5 so i decided to go home.

man what a week. stressful? i dont think so cause i had a really good time at the same time shock! hehehehe

OUR LOVE WILL NEVER BE GONE

2005-10-16T05:25:00.000-07:00

*** MarQ has quit IRC (Quit: in this cold empty heart of mine, you will always have a place. I hope that I have a place in your heart too. "tak")

you will always have a special place in my heart, and when the perfect time comes i will find you again.. and i dont have any intentions to let that promise go, because our love never ended. we are both hurt right now, and all it needs is just time. let's remember that time is a friend and it heals all wounds, i just hope that it wont heal my wounds until i fulfilled my promise.

i love you mr. marq francis tudtud bernardo... you will always have a place in my heart too haps.

IM IN A LOT OF PAIN BUT AS OF NOW...

2005-10-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna see your face
I don't wanna hear your name
I don't wanna thing Just stay away baby

Don't wanna know if you're alright
Or what you're doin' with your life
Don't wanna hear you say you'll just stay in touch baby

I'll get by just fine
And if you're goin' then darlin'
Goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet And I don't wanna be your friend

I'll forget we ever met

I'll forget I ever let

Ever let you into this heart of mine baby

You just gotta let me be

You gotta keep away from me

'Cause all I want is just to be free from you baby

Don't you come around

And say you still care about me

Just go now, go now

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more

Don't expect me to be there

Don't think that it will be the way it was before

Don't think that I care

I'm not over you yet

And I don't wanna be your friend

You take it casually, baby it's killing me

Goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more

Don't expect me to be there

Don't think that it will be the way it was before

No baby Don't call me in the middle of the night no more

I'm not over you yet

And I don't want to be your friend

I don't want to be your friend

Don't call me Don't come around

And I don't wanna be your friend

my heart is so broken right now and i cant help but wallow in self -pity. i know im young but hopefully if you really did love me you would accept that.

i just hope that you will be happy, you know who you are. just dont try to shcw me how much you care cause it just gonna hurt me more, i know you mean well but i just cant handle the fact that you are no longer mine. im so miserable without you and i dont know how im gonna live life without you by my side. its like everywhere i go, somehow there's always something that reminds me of you.

we both know that im not the only one who commits mistakes, i just hope you could see that. goodbye, and ill try to be happy with my life even if it kills me.

IT FUCKIING HURTS!!!

2005-10-04T10:31:00.000-07:00

i dont know what i did wrong. at first we were so in love but then everything changes. i dont know what i did wrong. all i know is that my age is the only factor that made him let go, and i cant take it. it is such a shallow reason. i know we are not at the same wave length but does that matter? all that matters in a relationship is how much you love each other and you will accept and conquer whatever obstacles together. i really dont know what i did wrong, was it because i was loving him too much without leaving any for myself? or was it because i had to give him all that i am. i know i cant give him anything financially cause i am only feeding on my allowance but all i could ever give him is all the love that i have in my heart, but sadly that wasnt enough. no matter what happens, he will always have a big space in my heart and if ever the time comes that he finds someone else, i just hope that he would be happy and i also hope that that certain someone would give him whatever he really needs and deserves.

im just in a lot of pain right now and i dont ever wanna think what is gonna happen next. its hard to fall in love because in the end, we would only end up getting hurt. im so fucking tired.... i need to get away from cebu as soon as possible to escape all the fucking pain!!!!!

WHAT A DAY.....

2005-09-04T19:42:00.000-07:00

last saturday i was devastated, cause i found out something that would really make me unhappy for a very long time. i might as well not talk about it cause i promise to make it a secret. but one thing is for sure... im gonna find all the possible ways to solve this problem.

the dawn of sunday came and i was again broken... its best for me to keep the details to myself but please baby, dont do anything that would push me away again... i love you too much, and i dont wanna lose you.

sunday afternoon, was so far one of the best afternoons i have ever had. i spent the whole day with my special someone and we took a nap together ( which i always enjoy ) and talked about a few things, but still we both manage to survive the storms that we go through everytime. not to brag but our love is much stronger than anything and it cant break us apart!!!

WHAT THE FUCK??!!

2005-09-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

I really dont understand why people are trying to break us up... and stupid me for being so gullible fell into a trap that almost jeopardized both our happiness... i really hate the fact that sometimes i feel so inferior. being 18 is nice but it has lots of ups but a lot more downs. for that fucking bitch who tried to trick me... i hope you burn in hell.... and when you do ill see you there and burn you some more.

anyway let's not talk about that... last night was the first major play i starred in... and when i say starred in i mean i was literally the STAR of the show.... it was a nice experience to be in that play, even if my character is soooooo not me, but hey, it was still great! i was able to show off what God has given me. i was dancing, singing and of course acting my heart and lungs out. there were ocassional breaks where i had to exit the stage and there i had a few smokes to get the nervousness out. the best part of it was my baby was there. despite of the things that happened to us earlier that day, he still came and it made me really inspired. i was really happy that he came, even if i am really really really really really stupid, i know that deep inside he really does love me soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much !!!! and for that i am really thankful.

baby, it meant so much to me that you came to the first play i ever starred in. you are such a great inspiration to me. i know people are currently trying to break us up, but i know that their efforts will be for nothing. what we feel for each other is stronger than anything, i love you so much and i really hope we spend the longest time together. you are my INSPIRATION and my ANGEL.

so for you guys who are still trying to break us up, the only thing im gonna say to you is this....

FUCK YOU SORE LOSERS!!!!!!!! BURN IN HELL!!!!!
*now you saw the other side of me*

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT YOU

2005-08-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

I love the way you make me smile
Its like every breath you take makes my existence worth while
I love the way you look at me
Cause every time you do I feel like I can be the man that I wanted to be

I love the way you make me feel inside
Its like I don’t have a care in the world and nothing to hide
I love the way you kiss
Cause each moment you touch your lips to mine it feels like a never ending bliss

I love the way you hold me tight
Cause even if something is wrong you always seem to make it right
I love the way you say “I love you”
Cause no matter what no one can ever take these words away from you

And most of all
I love the way you make me feel complete.
Complete in every single way that I would even drop to my own two feet
No matter what happens, no one can ever take what I feel for you
Cause I know that my feelings towards you are true

We share something strong
And I do hope that it would last really long
I love you baby, with all my heart
Thanks for making a whole from a very broken part.

HEY YOU.

2005-08-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

hey you, i could never imagine life
without goin through strife.
we never really got to know each other well
until that one night we met. wasnt that swell?

hey you, i could never imagine we would end up like this
until you reached out to give me that first kiss.
you turned my world upsidedown
and transformed a smile from a frown

hey you, everything seems so fine
when we both decided to call each other "mine"
there maybe ups and downs in this relationship
but hey, every couple had to go through hardships.

hey you, being loved has never felt this good
until you came in and took me under your hood.
thanks to you, i now have a reason to go on living
full of love, sharing and receiving.

i love you hon..... and i mean it with all of me

through the fire.

2005-05-13T22:08:00.000-07:00

i look in your eyes and I can see

We've loved so dangerously

You're not trusting your heart to anyone

You tell me you're gonna play it smart

We're through before we start

But I believe that we've only just begun

When it's this good, there's no saying no

I want you so, I'm ready to go

CHORUS:

Through the fire, to the limit, to the wall

For a chance to be with youI'd gladly risk it all

Through the fireThrough whatever, come what may

For a chance at loving youI'd take it all the way

Right down to the wireEven through the fire

I know you're afraid of what you feel

You still need time to heal

And I can help if you'll only let me try

You touch me and something in me knew

What I could have with you

Now I'm not readyto kiss that dream goodbye

When it's this sweet, there's no saying no

I need you so, I'm ready to go

CHORUS

Through the test of time

CHORUS

Through the fire, to the limit

Through the fire, through whatever

Through the fire, to the limit

Through the fire, through whatever

Through the fire, to the limit

Through the fire, through whatever

im pretty much in the same situation.... now i can definately relate to this song!

am i cursed?

2005-05-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

am i cursed?
will i ever find love?
am i bound to be alone forever?

i always ask those questions to myself. i mean really, everytime i fall in love with someone its always hard to keep up with a lot of things, and that person i always fall in love with is either loving someone else or someone who has to leave the country. why can't i be happy even just for a little while.

but you know what? i've learned something. its not how long the relationship lasts but its how good it was. it doesnt really matter anymore! i mean, even if you only had a relationship for one week or one month or even one year its still would be worth it if you just knew how good the relationship was.

"LOVE is always patient and kind; it is never jealous. LOVE is never boastful nor conceited; it is never rude nor selfish. It does not take offense and is never resentful."
1 cor. 13:4-6

i guess this verse says it all....